Dear Evil Energy-Saving Expert,
Like everyone else – heroes, villains, and morally grey protagonists – I have been thinking a lot these days about how to better manage my outgoings amid this cost-of-living crisis. Already, I’ve implemented plenty of measures of which Martin Lewis would be proud, such as switching to energy-efficient lightbulbs, switching off devices on standby, culling and eating the pet sharks, and sending the kids to work part-time in the local e-commerce order fulfilment centre – but all this has turned out to be trivial in comparison with my ballooning energy costs.
So, I’ve been wondering about whether I could utilise existing resources as fuel to keep down the energy bills a bit. Over the last financial year, I’ve been fulfilling an average of one order per week (and by order, I mean assassination). Unless my client requests a bespoke service, I default to dissolving the bodies in acid baths, but the cost of chemicals is also growing...