Brings back memories...

In my Radio Officer days, circa 1997, I had been given a copy of a spoof CAA document regarding language.  Being with a UK shipping company which had just merged with a Dutch one, a quick rewrite to remove aviation terms and adjust to make it appear to have come through the companies switcher, I gave it to the Captain just before he went down for dinner. He exploded, thinking it was real! He did see the funny side before we met up in the Officers Bar.

With xxxxxx being a multinational company, it would be desirable if in all to/from ship E'mails, inter‑office memos and in dealings with suppliers and contractors a common language could be employed.

As the majority of the company's fleet drydock and mid-term refit in Germany, there are three obvious possibilities, namely:‑ English, Dutch or German. 
 
Following discussion with repair companies and the European Union, in association with Lloyds and other interested parties, we are pleased to announce that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for all communications, both written and spoken, rather than Dutch or German; which were both eventually rejected as some repair companies were found to have a poor European language proficiency.

As part of the negotiations, the former management conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-quarter plan for what will be known as Euro English (Eurospeak). This will assist accurate report writing and the ability to be innovative and self supporting within a strong team environment.

Therefore in the first quarter, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly sivil sevants will reseive this news with joy.  Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but word processors kan have one less letter. There will be growing enthusiasm in the sekond quarter, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograph" 20 persent shorter.

In the third quarter akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage when more komplikated changes kan be possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of all double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is a disgrace, and they would go.

By the fourth kuartr, peopl wil be reseptive to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar chages vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.

After zis fifz kuartr, ve vil hav a rel sensible riten styl. Zer vil be nomor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze fors riks drem vil finali cum tru

Regards
Human resources management team


Klive

Brings back memories...

In my Radio Officer days, circa 1997, I had been given a copy of a spoof CAA document regarding language.  Being with a UK shipping company which had just merged with a Dutch one, a quick rewrite to remove aviation terms and adjust to make it appear to have come through the companies switcher, I gave it to the Captain just before he went down for dinner. He exploded, thinking it was real! He did see the funny side before we met up in the Officers Bar.

With xxxxxx being a multinational company, it would be desirable if in all to/from ship E'mails, inter‑office memos and in dealings with suppliers and contractors a common language could be employed.

As the majority of the company's fleet drydock and mid-term refit in Germany, there are three obvious possibilities, namely:‑ English, Dutch or German. 
 
Following discussion with repair companies and the European Union, in association with Lloyds and other interested parties, we are pleased to announce that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for all communications, both written and spoken, rather than Dutch or German; which were both eventually rejected as some repair companies were found to have a poor European language proficiency.

As part of the negotiations, the former management conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-quarter plan for what will be known as Euro English (Eurospeak). This will assist accurate report writing and the ability to be innovative and self supporting within a strong team environment.

Therefore in the first quarter, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly sivil sevants will reseive this news with joy.  Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but word processors kan have one less letter. There will be growing enthusiasm in the sekond quarter, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograph" 20 persent shorter.

In the third quarter akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage when more komplikated changes kan be possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of all double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is a disgrace, and they would go.

By the fourth kuartr, peopl wil be reseptive to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar chages vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.

After zis fifz kuartr, ve vil hav a rel sensible riten styl. Zer vil be nomor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze fors riks drem vil finali cum tru

Regards
Human resources management team


Klive